i turned 18 and finished high school pretty much at the same time. it all happened at the end of june, and i don’t think i’ve really took it in yet.
i seem to always have the idea that on my birthday, i’ll suddenly change, and become a completely new person. i’ll grow up over night, have new hopes and fears, and i’ll feel different. but then, every year, i’m reminded that it doesn’t work that way, and on my birthday, and the days after, i’m the same as i was a few days prior. but this birthday did feel a little different.
i’m not a child anymore, i’m not in high school anymore, and it’s strange to think about. while being finally done with high school makes me so happy, the idea of not having to go to school every day, seeing my friends, and living this comfortable routine i’ve lived for the past 18 years anymore is scaring me. i’m scared of the unknown, of what the future holds, and of those big decisions i need to make soon. i still feel like any day now the holiday will end, and i will go back to high school as if nothing had changed.
finishing high school means having to decide what comes next for you. is it university? a gap year? working immediately? maybe travelling? or is it something else entirely? you have to decide quickly because life goes faster than you’d wish, and you have no control over it, except getting up from your unmade bed, and taking those decisions now.
but taking big decisions is something i’ve never been good at. i never know what to do, and it’s like i can never bring myself to actually do the things i need to do. my brain feels foggy, and i can’t think clearly. and so, having to decide what to do next year, knowing my future is in my hands, and i’m the only one who can make it happen, is scary and overwhelming. having to choose one thing i want to do next in my life is also having to renounce to something else, and that is extremely difficult. (see: sylvia plath’s quote in the bell jar about the fig tree—one of my favourite quotes of all time that perfectly captures this feeling.)
i’ve decided to take a gap year because i needed a break, a pause, to be able to experience new things without school weighting on me. at the end, i actually felt like one more day of school could have killed me. i was done, and the idea of going straight to university afterwards wasn’t so appealing to me. i changed school for the last two years, and while i do not regret the decision, the system was pretty different, and it took a lot out of me. i was getting burned out at the end, and i’m so glad it’s finally over. but because of it, i don’t want to start again so soon. i want to live, experience new things, meet new people, try new things. i want to travel, do volunteer work in another country, and i want to take the time to breathe and rest.
this year will also give me the chance to research more about university. i want to study in another country, and there’s a lot i need to research. my dream university is trinity college, but it’s pretty competitive, and while i will still try, i don’t think i have much chance of getting in, so i need to look at other schools, and other countries. i need to keep my possibilities open, and taking a year off will allow me to think more about my options. especially since, for some reason, during my senior year, i felt incapable of thinking about my future.
the past couple of months have been a little tough for me, though. i applied to volunteer projects and jobs, but it felt like nothing was working out. no job wanted me—the timing wasn’t right most of the times—and the projects took time to get back at me, leaving me to think i had no chance. it felt like nothing was going my way, and i felt stuck in this wondering state of what’s going to happen this year. i hated not knowing, and i started to feel like i wouldn’t get accepted in any projects. i was seeing everyone around me start university, and it left me to wonder if maybe i’d made the wrong choice.
fortunately, i received positive news this week. i got accepted for a project and it felt like, finally, my choice was a good one. i’ll be leaving for six months to volunteer in another country, and i’m very scared, but also very excited.
one thing i will try to do this year, is romanticise it as much as i can. i want to go on hot girl walks, and read in a park, and buy books, and go to the cinema, and write in cafes, and learn to play guitar, and do all the things i never had the time to do because of school.
i still haven’t fully processed that i am 18 and done with high school yet, even though it’s been more than three months. it is scary and overwhelming, but i’m also extremely excited and curious about what this year and the future have in store for me.
i. currently reading:
i’m currently reading the man who died twice by richard osman. i was actually planning on reading daisy haites by jessa hastings, but as i started the first chapter, i wasn’t in the right mood for it, so i decided to read this cosy murder mystery instead. i read the first book in the thurday murder club series a while back, and i really enjoyed.
the books follow a group of friends in a retirement home who meet up once a week to solve cold cases, but suddenly get caught in a real case. it’s very fun and cosy and witty and heart-warming.
it’s also getting turned into a movie, and i am soooo excited (even if it’s a netflix production).
ii. currently watching
i just started rewatching gilmore girls again, because well, it’s autumn. i also watched forrest gump for the first time the other day, and i loved it. i don’t know why it took me so long to finally watch it.
i saw no hard feelings with my friends earlier this week, which was very fun. i also watched practical magic—which i absolutely adored. it’s the perfect witchy fall movie, and to be honest, i just want to be a witch, living in a big old house with a black cat, and practising spells.
to stay in the witchy mood, i rewatched kiki’s delivery service with my mom a couple days ago, which is my favourite miyazaki film.
(as you can see, i watch a lot of films and shows, but it is one of my favourite things ever.)
iii. currently listening:
the only murders in the building soundtrack while reading the man who died twice. as well as this cosy playlist in the mornings:
thank you so much for reading!!! this was more of a journaling type of post with just me writing about my current life, but i hope you enjoyed it. i have a lot of ideas for posts, so i hope to write them down soon, but until then, enjoy life xx
loved this!! (also, only murders in the building AND kiki's delivery service??? we kinda sound like the same person)