and i couldn't help but wonder, why do i care so much?

on caring too much about the wrong people, being passionate about things, and being made to feel embarrassed about it

i’m a very passionate person—always have been—whether it’s about people or random things like films, tv shows, books, bands… when i love, i love hard, and i’ve always thought i’ve cared too much. i saw caring as much as i do as a bad thing, something to steer away from. i’d look at the ones who didn’t care—or at least pretended not to—and i’d feel envious. i wanted to be like that, live life without a care in the world, oh, you don’t like me? i don’t care kind of living.

and not caring so much is a good thing a lot of the time. but sometimes, the people who don’t care actually don’t care about you in return—or about other important things coincidently.

whenever people ask me about things i’m passionate about, i always get embarrassed, and it’s like i try to belittle my passion, making it sound unimportant and stupid. a few times, people have made me feel that way, as though a passion i had was stupid, embarrassing. they’d laugh a little, say something they may not have meant as something mean, but it comes across as such, and i’d just feel like absolute shit.

i think it’s something deeply rooted into a lot of people’s mind. that girls being passionate about things is embarrassing. that’s why if a girl screams at a concert, it’s considered embarrassing, hysterical (see how the word hysterical is linked to the word uterus in latin? and see how it’s mostly used towards girls? do you understand what i’m getting at?), while men going crazy at a football game is completely normal.

another way i’d feel bad for caring so much, is when i’d talk about a topic i’m very passionate about and that is very important to me, but i’d end up getting too emotional, and i’d feel embarrassed, and i’d hate myself for not being able to debate logically, rationally. we’ve been made to believe that having emotions is wrong, that women are irrational, emotional, hysterical, and that because of that men don’t take us seriously. and so when i do get emotional about something, i hate it, because i’m scared that it’ll then make people take me less seriously.

when it comes to people, i’m a very introverted, shy, anxious person, and when i meet someone new, i need time—and to actually like the person—to feel perfectly comfortable with them. but when i do, i tend to care a lot. i care a lot about the people i love, and i know that’s good, but sometimes it doesn’t feel good. i’d care about the wrong person, people who don’t care as much in return, and it’d leave me feeling angry, disappointed, sad. i’d ask myself ‘what’s wrong with me? what did i do wrong?’, thinking it’s my fault for caring so much, and that i shouldn’t feel like that, because technically, they didn’t do anything wrong. the problem here was that i cared too much, not that they didn’t.

and while, i still struggle with that, i am starting to realise that, maybe, i’m not the problem. maybe the way they’re making me feel isn’t how it should be, and maybe they’re just not a very good friend. maybe caring about the people i love isn’t bad, i just choose the wrong people to care for.

and so, even if i don’t want to care about what other people think, or other random things i shouldn’t care about, i still want to care. i want to care fully and deeply, about the things and people i love, and i don’t want to feel embarrassed about it. i don’t want to feel as though caring so much is bad. i want to care and love, but i also want to be cared for and to be loved in return.

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i. currently reading

i’m currently reading the atlas six by olivie blake. i’m more than halfway through, but i still don’t actually know what to think yet. i don’t know if it’s because i haven’t read much lately, or if it’s the book, but i’m not completely obsessed with it. but at the same time, when i’m reading it, i am enjoying it, so i don’t really know.

ii. currently watching

i rewatched practical magic the other day with my mom and my brother, and they both enjoyed it. i also went to a screening of the social network, which is a film i’d already seen a couple of times, but i love it so much, and seeing that andrew garfield scene on the big screen was life changing.

i watched le mans 66 (or ford v ferrari, depending on where you are) as well, which i really enjoyed (the f1 girly in me was very happy to watch that).

iii. currently listening

i’ve been listening to inhaler’s new song on repeat, as well as these playlists:

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love, luna xx